Book of Gallowmere/Transcript

This page is a full transcript of the Book of Gallowmere.

Sir Daniel Fortesque
Our bone-headed protagonist, born again into this Age of Wonders! In life he was just the worst: a coward, a cheat, a philatelist (or was it a philanderer... I don't recall). But either way, he seems to have woken up... different?

Perhaps he can redeem himself? Zarok should be more careful where he aims his dark magic.

Morten the Earthworm
Morten was so happy when Dan died. Surely, he initially had a lot of housework to do, but now he's got the place to himself, and just how he likes it.

Of course, Dan coming back to life was a bit of a shock, but Morten will do anything he can to keep his home-buddy safe (and get him back to the earthy darkness as quickly as possible).

Information Gargoyles
Can you imagine how boring it would be to be a sentient being - wise even - and be stuck permanently to a brick wall? No wonder these guys are grumpy.

They pass time by eavesdropping, gossiping, and bad-mouthing any bizarre looking adventurers that might pass by.

The Heroes
The mightiest heroes of Gallowmere are awarded a place in the Hall of Heroes. It's an exclusive club, with access paid for by only the greatest of deeds.

Who runs the place? We don't know. How do the heroes pass the time for all eternity? We don't know. But trust me, these heroes are the best of the best, and they deserve every moment of whatever it is they do up there.

Merchant Gargoyles
Even in medieval times, there were vending machines designed to part a foolish hero from his gold.

Clever customers may qualify for a discount... just don't ask the merchant how he acquires his wares.

Mr. Organ
The Imps of the Hilltop Mausoleum grew tired of the phantom's incessant practice and hid his sheet music away.

Like most impish plans, this one backfired. The phantom continues to bang the keys, but sorely lacks improvisational skills.

Kul Katura
This formidable serpent was somehow lured into a tiny chest and trapped by men working for King Peregrin - probably, it must have been a magic chest because really, this is one huge serpent to fit in such a small box... but anyhow, the King believed he had imprisoned the evil Serpent of Gallowmere, when in fact it was kindly Serpent Lord Kul Katura that he had en-boxed.

Katura is probably going to have a big hug for whoever sets him free, and an ever tighter one for his enemies.

Pumpkin Witch
Winner of the Jolliest Witch in Gallowmere Award for the fourth consecutive year!

Wartilda actually runs a successful potions business and makes cool cheddar from her pumpkin-spiced profiteering. The other witches are secretly jealous.

Jack of the Green
There once was a statue named Jack, For riddles, he did have a knack, Dan entered the garden Which Jack was a-guardin', A smart hero would have turned back.

The Town Mayor
A lusty adventurer in his heyday, this once-beloved mayor stole the Shadow Artifact from Zarok's tower after the disgraced sorcerer was banished from the kingdom.

When Zarok returned, so mad was he that he tore the whole town apart in his wrath, turning many of the good townsfolk into goats. After that, the mayor's approval ratings fell dramatically. His reelection now seems unlikely (although these days, it seems anything is possible).

Forest Witch
Once part of the infamous Cemetery Hill coven, Emelda was ostracized by her sisters when she refused to stop using the communal cauldron to prepare her notoriously pungent lunchtime brews.

She now resides in the Enchanted Earth, where no one complains. Or at least if they do, she just turns them into a toad... and seriously, do NOT lick those toads.

Fairies
A proud and fair race, the Fairies were rulers of the underground world, until that fateful day when the Ant Queen invaded their turf.

Honestly, we don't know why the ants have them imprisoned, but for some reason, fairy magic doesn't seem to work against ants... seems odd to me, but hey - I don't make the rules.

Elephant Dragons
Subaquaticus Pachydermis Draconis - truly one of Nature's marvels and found nowhere on Earth, other than the grand lakes of Gallowmere! These peaceful creatures are the product of a chance encounter between an elephant and a dragon. Truly - love knows no bounds!

Chickens
This featherbrained flock isn't good enough for much - not even Shadow Demon food. Farmers are far more filling.

You may find yourself relying on their dim-wit, but cross that drawbridge when you come to it.

Captive Farmers
Are these good men? Their farmyard toil puts food on the plates of the nation, but at what price? Could mutant pumpkins be the result of forcing innocent pumpkins to consume their fleshy brethren? Does safeguarding one's crops justify deployment of homicidal scarecrows? Who will speak for the wolves?

Save them - or don't - it's up to you.

King Peregrin
Wise King Peregrin, they used to say! But seriously, this guy sent his entire army to battle the undead led by... you! Does that sound like someone wise?

Somehow that battle was won (without you), but it didn't really help King Peregrin - he died a few days later after choking on a Brussels sprout. They say his ghost lingers still in the Haunted Ruins, that he paces the halls late at night, coughing up sprout chunks.

I think this story proves beyond a doubt that no one should ever eat Brussels sprouts.

Vulture
Birds only like one person in their life. For some reason, this one likes Dan.

This scavenger saw a corpse-meal, and instead found a friend. What a lovely way to meet!

Zombies
These guys were fashionably undead before it was fashionable to be undead. Your brain may have long since rotted, but that won't stop them from eating it.

Just a few chops should do them in. Be careful not to miss! That would be embarrassing.

Severed Hands
Dan's number one fans. They can't afford to lend a hand, but they'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Or at least, to the end of the graveyard.

Boulder Gargoyles
These guardian gargoyles aren't much for conversation. And don't ask to hear their singing voice - unless you're into rock and roll. Badum-tish!

Headless Zombies
Have you ever had one of those days where you leave the house full of breezy purpose, only to realize that you've left something really important at home? Well, that's how these guys feel all the time.

Imps
Back in Peregrin's day, Imps were often kept as household servants. Sadly, those were cruel times, and many Imps were treated very poorly by their masters.

Really, it was no surprise when these cunning little creatures formed a secret alliance with Zarok.

On the morning of the Battle of Gallowmere, every last one of King Peregrin's men awoke to find his House Imp gone, and along with them, every last undergarment in the kingdom. Never before had an army's charge been so devastatingly broken before battle had even begun!

Graveyard Wolves
Isn't nature wonderful? This beautiful family of wolves has found a happy home in the graveyard! Back in their den, six cute, squirmy little pups are waiting for good old mom and pop to return with delicious fresh meat - well, perhaps graveyard meat isn't the most fresh - but at least it's easily found and safe. Because let me tell you - elsewhere in Gallowmere, vengeful farmers have hunted these majestic beasts to the point of extinction...

Thank goodness this last, happy little family is here amid the peace and tranquility of the graveyard, where absolutely no harm can befall them.

Scarecrows
These straw men spin to win!

They have teamed up with the crows to protect their cornfield home from strangers, whom they greet with sharp, spinning affection.

Mad Farmers
Nothing comes easy for these poor farmers. As Gallowmere's population declines, so does the demand for their crops.

It's no wonder they hide in haystacks. Show some sympathy and let them stab you a couple of times, eh?

Mecha Imps
Industrious thieving Imps built these powerful machines to steal crops from the farmers. I think they'd do better mass producing these things and selling 'em to the farmers, but hey - thieves gotta thieve.

Corn Killers
These dreaded corn stalkers are utterly silent, totally invisible and 100% deadly.

They're also just about the cheapest solution a time-strapped video game developer could ever conceive to stop the player going where they're not wanted. Rejoice!

Bats
They're vampire bats. Actually, they're just bats. But they bite. That's sort of vampirey.

Pumpkin Plants
These once good-natured pumpkins fell victim to the Pumpkin King's toxic influence. They're still tasty, if you can convince them not to murder you.

But perhaps you should think about things from their perspective... how would you feel if someone wanted to scoop out your brains and carve a big goofy smile across your face?

Pumpkin Bombs
Fresh off the vine, these baby-boomers are in too much of a hurry to grow up. They can't wait to spread their pumpkin seed.

Rats
These rats seem harmless, but they have tiny fingers and they're probably plotting something terrible.

Each rat you squish is an act of treason against the mighty rat king Derok.

Townspeople
Hypnotized citizens of a once thriving town.

They'll happily invite you in for tea, but if they ask to borrow a shovel, you should probably decline.

Boiler Guards
Zarok's mechanical goon squad, developed deep in the City of Madness (although they were manufactured in China, of course).

That coal in their stomach fuels them, whilst also cooking up a mean brisket.

Mad Monks
Disciples of the head monk, these men of the cloth have been driven mad by the disappearance of their master - and Jack's incessant ramblings.

The harsh chime of a bell tells them an unwelcome guest has arrived. Or that it's time for dinner. Perhaps both!

Hedges
People seldom consider how hard it is to trim a sentient shrub - not least the fire-breathing types, who would just as soon set themselves ablaze as play understudy in your latest topiary production.

No... gardeners in Gallowmere do not get enough credit!

Head Bangers
With the disappearance of the head monk, these patients have been left to run amok.

We don't know exactly what it was that sent them raving mad. Perhaps it was magic, perhaps the moon, or perhaps they were all licking toads. Truly, you should NOT lick those toads.

Dragon Toads
Is this really what the ancient dragons evolved into? Their dreadful ancestors would be ashamed!

Don't lick their backs. That's a good way to end up in the loony bin. No really, just DON'T.

Poisonous Plants
Poisonous pollen protects these plants from predators.

Just to be safe, they fire it at everything. Can never be too careful these days.

Shadow Demons
Some of the most evil, murderous critters ever to blight the land! Thankfully, they were locked away in a hermetically sealed vault by a great hero hundreds of years ago. Don't worry! We're safe! Only a complete fool would ever set them free.

Oh... please tell me you didn't?!

Ants
Fascinating creatures, ants. Did you know they're as old as the dinosaurs? That they "talk" using chemicals? Or that they share a hive mind?

And, contrary to popular belief, they actually have no interest whatsoever in your pants.

Armored Knights
The heaviest of infantry and most ill-suited for the Battle of Gallowmere. Many of them fell victim to the deep mud, rather than swords or spears.

These undead knights are most effective when rolled down hills or launched from catapults.

Tentacles
Touchy feelers of the Swamp Guardian, said to live deep below the water's surface.

Though too timid to show his many faces, he still likes to stay in touch. Sometimes, he stays in touch too hard.

Mud Knights
The soil of the Ancient battlegrounds, made fertile by the blood of centuries, spits forth the husks of these sorry souls.

Their battle should have long since ended, and yet they still march in proud defiance of the living.

Ghouls
These crestfallen cravens once fled the battlefield and are now bound to it, doomed to forever relive their greatest moment of shame (and forever is a long time).

Tough break. I guess being dead isn't all fun and games.

Fish Monsters
These floundering fiends lure naive fishermen near the water, before dragging them screaming into the watery depths.

There's no such thing as an easy meal in Gallowmere. Not for humans at least.

Watchers
Hired mussel. The Guardians of Gallowmere should really shell out more clams for their services. Nevertheless, these barnacles still stick around.

Guardians of Mellowmede
These aquatic abnormalities found a home in the sunken town of Mellowmede.

Here, they spend their days performing ritualistic sacrifices to a malevolent elder deity... probably best not to get involved, I'd say.

Rhinotaurs
An ill-fated mining expedition by citizens of Mellowmede caused a tragic and brutal retaliation by the Rhinotaurs.

They have since gone into hibernation. Nothing irks them more than being woken up early. And to them, anything before 2 PM is early.

The Condemned
Have no pity for these fools. They were Gallowmere's most heinous criminals, as fearsome in life as they are now in death.

What a world we live in where the guilty execute the innocent!

Mummies
These slow-moving busybodies are - like - sooo wrapped up in themselves.

Once Gallowmere's elite, they now walk alongside the common corpses..... death brings everybody together!

Serpent of Gallowmere
This mean-spirited snake was always viewed as the lesser serpent sibling. It was always Kul Katura this, and Kul Katura that!

Well, if no one wants to worship him, let there be no worshippers at all!

Mace Knights
These brain-dead bodyguards still defend King Peregrin. Don't tell them of his passing - they would be devastated!

Trained in small arms, these knights must throw their weapons, due to their small arms.

Stone Golems
Stone golems were the hottest ticket in castle security, and King Peregrin was one of the first to purchase a pair for protection. Of course, they say you should always skip the first generation of new tech, and when golems started to stomp all and sundry, the manufacturers were forced to issue a full product recall.

Sadly, King Peregrin missed the recall note (on account of being dead), and his golems are still guarding, still stomping...

Jabberwocky
Many years ago, the foolish sorcerer Mazok the Muddled came into possession of a Dragon Egg. At this same time, Gallowmere was suffering under a terrible famine, and Mazok had been ordered by his king to seek out a magical solution. "If only the kingdom's scrawny chickens could lay eggs the size of a dragon egg," thought Mazok, and he set about applying his questionable skills to transform the egg.

Several days later, the kingdom had been saved! The hatched chicken-dragon - or Jabberwocky as it came to be known - possessed the ferocity of a dragon and the dim wit of a chicken. It rampaged through the kingdom on a murderous spree and killed so many that even the meager harvest was enough to sustain the survivors (as they mourned their loved ones).

The Jabberwocky was finally chased from the land by the hero Dirk Steadfast, who poked it with his magic sword.

Pirate Crew
These are spineless sea dogs with a penchant for plundering. They never complain, even when cleaning the poop deck.

Obedient to a fault, they won't even revive themselves unless commanded to.

Pirate Officers
The Pirate Captain's right-hand men, despite their lack of right hands.

Their main qualification? Being of no discernible threat to the Captain.

Flying Clocks
Time really does fly! These clockwork pests will shave minutes off your life with each sweep of their hands.

Staring into their faces will tell you the time of your death. Nothing you don't know already.

Flying Eyeballs
Exactly what is a flying eyeball without a flying brain? And without a flying mouth, how can it possibly report what it has seen?

I suppose that must be why they simply try to incinerate you instead.

Fazguls
These are Zarok's elite skeletal warriors, trained by Lord Kardok himself!

Mortal weapons cannot hurt them. Only a hero's blow can fell such hard-boiled evil. And you, Sir Fortesque, are no hero - at least not quite yet.

Zarok
It is said that Zarok's preoccupation with necromancy stems from an obsession to resurrect his childhood puppy.

Let's just reflect for a moment: isn't that just tragic? All this poor, troubled soul has ever wanted is to command the forces of darkness, enslave mankind, and play ball one last time with dear old Mr Snuffy.

Stained Glass Demon
I always thought it was a bad idea when they put a demon on their stained glass window. "Isn't that a little odd for a holy place?" I said. "What if a passing sorcerer brings it to life using arcane magic?" I said. But did they listen?

Yes, he might have a glass jaw, but if you think shattering his dark heart is going to be easy, you'd better think again!

Guardians of the Graveyard
Humanity's last line of defense against the restless undead. They prevent boney beings from escaping to the land of the living.

Man's best friend, but not Dan's best friend.

Pumpkin King
A terrifying reminder of the perils of competitive vegetable growing, this sinister squash has become a terrible influence on his once peaceful pump-kin.

Zarok's magic has created the ultimate superfood. This is one ghoulish gourd that's simply bustin' for a dustin'.

Dragon Bird
She's not just a set of legs - there's a whole devoted Mother Bird up there! And no one treasures her eggs more than this bird mama.

They may someday hatch into beautiful baby birds. Or maybe just into beautiful bags of gold... or bags of golden babies? Who knows?

Demonettes
Everything is a competition for these demon sisters. When not disemboweling intruders, they enjoy a good game of chess.

We'll never know who is better. One of them always flips the table.

Queen Ant
Although accustomed to letting her soldiers do all the fighting, this is one tough bug lady.

She's an acid-spitting queen who will fight to her last gasp to defend the brood of insect infants incubating inside her egg sac... if only there was an airlock you could flush her out of.

Mean Old Dragon
Perhaps the last remaining dragon? A fearsome, indomitable beast with absolutely no vulnerabilities, apart from that one cranial fracture he sustained from waking up with a start and banging his head on the cave roof. Good thing no one will ever find out about that!

Dragons were once hunted for their blood, which is said to grant the power of fire-breathing. This particular dragon's solitude stems not from fear of hunters, but from his crippling social anxiety.

Ghost Ship Captain
Is it really possible to be a ghost, a skeleton and a pirate? Yes! Not only that, but this Halloween trifecta is so fearsome that he was promoted to captain after just a single mutiny!

The other pirates look up to him... well, he is twice their size.

Lord Kardok
Zarok's Champion has charged into countless battles, equipped with nothing more than a three-string bow, a modest flail, and a legion of undead soldiers.

He's one angry guy, and frankly, it all seems to stem from that time his parents forbid him from going to clogging lessons with his sister... this is what happens, see? If he'd only been able to channel that aggression into folk-dance, we'd ALL be safe.

Zarok Beast
Psychologists all agree that the final, desperate form adopted by an on-the-ropes evil sorcerer once his minions have all been felled tells us a great deal about his particular psychosis.

What does this form tell us about Zarok? Well, I'm no psychologist, but if ever there was a clearer case of narcissistic agora-paranoid kleptomaniacal dysmorphism then... my name's not Geraldine.