Books in MediEvil: Resurrection: Difference between revisions

Line 580:

The tomb was magically sealed so that only the touch of a Shadow Demon could open it. Before the tomb was sealed an arm was severed from a Shadow Demon and forged into the artifact known as the Shadow Demon Claw. Its touch alone formed the only key to the prison. The land of Gallowmere, at last, was safe.

===TOURIST GUIDE TO GALLOWMERE===

====Part 1====

The land of Gallowmere is a wondrous land of breathtaking sights and adventure.

If it's beauty you are looking for, be sure to check out the sights of the Enchanted Forest, where happy fairies flit from tree to tree crying "Chase me, chase me" as cheerful members of the local constabulary set off in pursuit.

Scale the heights and see the nests of giant Dragon Birds, seek out weird and wonderful plant life. Join the Dragon Toad Safari, where you'll meet and pet these playful critters in their natural environment.

(Hard hat and goggles required).

Or why not take a walk through the Pumpkin Valley? The place where all your vegetable-themed dreams come true!

Pumpkin is Gallowmere's favourite dish, and about now the valley is just bulging under the weight of young podlings awaiting harvest. Yummy!

====Part 2====

If it's mystery you're looking for then the seasoned adventurer should travel to King Peregrine's towering castle.

Yes, this is the fortress where King Peregrine held court over a hundred years ago! It is said that the King's crown was lost in the dungeons below the castle and that his Royal Ghostliness now haunts those cold stone passageways. Spooky!

Why not take to the coast and seek out the racous thrill of Scurvy Docks, home to Gallowmere's saltiest of seadogs. This colorful harbor town offers up a blend of fun, press-gangs, and watery danger that only the ignorant and uncool of travelers could resist.

Sign up today!

===HEROES FROM HISTORY: A retrospective===

=====CHAPTER 1=====

Extract from Elbows Akimbo, "Gallowmere's leading arm-wrestling journal" : "Hew" Wotta Scorcher! Iron Hewer Strikes Again!

Stanyer Iron Hewer crushed all before him once again last night, in the annual All-Gallowmere Arm-Wrestling Championships at the Doggit and Heave Inn. It is the fifth year in succession that he has won the title. The organisers said he can now keep the magnificent trophy, The Palm D'Awe.

Iron Hewer is officially the World's Strongest Man, and a black smith of some repute, he once said, "I LIVE to POUND! Anvils, wrought-iron garden furniture, the squishy skulls of my enemies' heads - all are but tiny TEACAKES beneath the awesome power of my vengeful WARHAMMER!" He was never again asked to judge the Gallowmere Bonny Baby Competition.

=====CHAPTER 2=====

From The Mongolian magazine's Weekend Supplement:

Born a humble peasant to one of the nomadic tribes from the Eastlands, Bloodmonath Skull Cleaver gathered an army of horseman and swept over half the civilised world. When he finally died, attempting a single-handed attack on a garrison in the North while armed only with the spike on his helmet, he was the richest and most powerful peasant of his day.

The Questionnaire:

Bloodmonath Skull Cleaver what is your idea of perfect happiness?

Taking LIMBS off with single SWING - ker-CHUNK - of shiny BEAUTIFUL AXE! And gouts of blood and stuff. Mmm. Pretty.

What words or phrases do you most overuse?

TOUCH my MOUSTACHE and I EAT your EYELIDS on TOAST, girlie-girl!

What keeps you awake at night?

Whimpering and howls of FOOLISH people who have DARED to CROSS me or short-CHANGED me!

What is your greatest fear?

Creepy crawlies.

How would you like to die?

WHAT!? WHAT you say at Blood Monath!? How YOU like to DIE - huh? HUH? Wet-mouthed PENCIL LICKER! Like THIS maybe? With HEAD bouncing down street, boink-boink - ?

Interview inadvertently terminated.

=====CHAPTER 3=====

obituary: Karl Sturnguard

Karl Sturnguard, noted warrior, spent most of his formative years under siege at his family castsle.

The siege ended when Karl yelled a five-week long lecture on defense over the battlements in heavily-accented English. The attacking forces become so bored they went off to become celebrity chefs.

In later years, this prolonged period of enclosure led him to develop a mild form of agoraphobia. As a result, he often wore a helmet visor with really tiny holes, and he became uncomfortable in the presence of pictures that used perspective.

With his impregnable magic shield, Sturnguard's motto was "The BEST form of ATTACK is DEFENSE for sure!" (Hardly surprising, really, with a magic shield). Sadly his shield couldn't protect him against poor eating habits, and he choked to death on a jumbo bratwurst he had failed to chew.

=====CHAPTER 4=====

My Hero Weekly

Q&A: Woden the Mighty

MHW: What is your greatest fear?

WTM: Are you quite MAD? I'm undefeated in mortal combat! EVER! The very sight of me strikes fear into the hearts of friends and enemies alike - not to mention close family members and pets! I'm called Woden the MIGHTY, for Lord's sake, not Woden the Trembly! You're lucky I don't use the skin off your back as a moist towelette, you pinheaded upstart!

MHW: Sorry. Er... what single thing would most improve the quality of your life?

WTM: To be able to walk down the street without being pestered by hundreds of scantily clad dancing girls. Celebrity can be so terribly oppressive at times. But ah - I LOVE me public.

MHW: What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

WTM: Personal hygiene. If men were meant to smell like flowers, God wouldn't have given us armpits. You can't beat the stench of raw sweat on a battlefield to strike fear into the heart of the enemy. Except maybe men in tights playing flutes.

MHW: What would your motto be?

WTM: Get the hell out of my way, you algae-slurping pond-life.

=====CHAPTER 5=====

From the epic poem: She Scared Their Breeches Off - A Heartfelt Tribute to Imanzi Shongoma (Please Don't Hurt Me)

96. Doughty warriors formed defenses and ye Amazons attack'd; led by one gargantuan Damsel who wath seriously stacked. As she bounded down the hillside all ye men were took aback, staring wide-eyed at an Bosomme like two Footballs in a Sack 97. Wielding her spear madly, she went through them at the run, slaying four-and-twenty Soldiers 'fore ye fight had scarce begun. As ye fields got dark and blood-drenched, she howled "That's what I call fun!" Buttocks gleaming in the sunlight like two massive Breakfast Buns.

=====CHAPTER 6=====

An encounter with Megwynne Stormbringer From the Battle Log of Barbarian Chieftan, Hugh Kerfuffle

06:27 My spy tells me the menfolk of the village are off on a "hunting trip". In other words, the travelling tinker's turned up with quality Begian ale and they're all off in the woods necking barrels of the stuff. Excellent

06:28 We launch our sneak attack. Or as near to a sneak attack as we barbarians get: our first wave charges headlong into the village, shrieking, waving swords and banging kettles with ball-peen hammers.

07:11 No sign of attackers returning. Seems very quiet. Doubtless they are feasting on victims' home-made soup, bones of slaughtered cattle, accidentally squashed pets, etc.

08:04 I have got to the root of the problem. Apparently there's a homicidal lunatic female by the name of Megwynne Stormbringer in the village. She has a baby under one arm, a pitchfork in the other and is standing on a pile of dead barbarians and shouting very loudly in an indecipherable Welsh accent. Looks like it's going to be one of those days.

11:10 After tending the wounded I sent in a second wave of fearless barbarians: 90 men, plus one goat with an attitude problem. I have pointed out that we are deailng with just one woman, here.

11:13 Twelve men return. One has no legs; one no arms; other are gibbering wrecks. Give them a severe talking-to and point out that WE are supposed to be the barbarians. Gather together our remaining forces - some 40 men - and launch a determined assault on this pestilential lady.

11:13:25 Thunderbolts? Where does she get THUNDERBOLTS? Not only is that not FAIR, it contravenes Ye Geneva Convention, for heaven's sake! Half my men are on fire - and the others will never need an eyebrow comb again, that's for sure. Oop! Look out - here comes ano -Diary ends.

<h5 style="text-align:center;">CHAPTER 7</h5>

Obituary: Dirk Steadfast, professional swordsman

The pride of the North East (of Gallowmere), Dirk Steadfast became a professional swordsman at a young age. Critics said that he only did so because it was easier to stab someone than get them to understand his accent. Tellingly, they did not say so to his face.

His deadly magical sword made Dirk Steadfast a fearsome opponent in combat, especially when combined with his firmly-held belief that "Only WOMEN defend themselves man - real men always attack, like."

He was a friend and contemporary of Karl Sturnguard and was with him even to the end: it was while Dirk explained his outspoken views on Sturnguard's shield during a feast, that the latter, outraged, choked on a Bratwurst. Steadfast himself followed shortly afterwards in an unfortunate shaving accident.

=====CHAPTER 8=====

Extract from Cheerio! magazine: At Home With Prince Ravenhooves

It comes as no surprise to find that Prince and Jemima Ravenhooves the Archer's home is palatial - largely because it is a palace. It has everything that the last of the great centaur Princes requires - including 26 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a purpose-built archery range, sunken spa and mucking-out area.

The Prince claims no credit for the decor in this beautiful residence, however. "All this that you see, it is down to my beautiful wife," he smiles charmingly, drumming his hooves on the piano lid. "All I do is provide the money for the frittering away of." But, where does he get the funds to maintain such a lavish lifestyle? "My family was very rich, of course," he murmurs. "I won more than my fair share of flat races, too."

"We are very lucky," he adds. "We feel this every day. Particularly my wife, because I tell her she is."

Descended from the finest centaur blood stock, Prince Ravenhooves the Archer is the last prince of his people. His people would be proud of him. A haughty aristocrat, he is an accomplished hunter, sportsman, duelist, and three times Derby winner.

It was a privilege to see inside his home. Although we're sending him the bill for the shoe-cleaning.

copyright Cheerio! magazine.

<h5 style="text-align:center;">CHAPTER 9</h5>

Captain of the militia in the time of King Peregrine, Sir Daniel Fortesque found fame when he killed the renegade wizard Zarok. A career soldier, raised in the Royal household, he was adored by the men under his command and renowned for his loyalty to Gallowmere. It was said that Fortesque was always destined for greatness. With his square jaw, steely gaze and thick shock of hair as black as raven's wings, he looked every inch the hero.

==[[Enchanted Forest]]==

===Shrubbite Hint===

Those strange shuffling shrubbites have their uses. They could LIFT your spirits if you look their way.

===Ring Puzzle Hint===

Rotate the rings and carve a river to make the falmes subside and wither.

===Enchanted Earth===

A WARNING TO TRESPASSERS: Dragon Toad breeding season. Do not touch or stroke the toads, they don't like it and will kill you!

==[[Scurvy Docks]]==

===Fish Hint===

Be wary of where you take your fish supper, certain parts of town attract ravenous seagulls.

===Parrot Hint===

SOLD OUT OF PARROTS!

Thanks to a shortage in the supply chain we no longer have stock of these shoulder perching pirate essentials. You will have to make use of other bird types until further notice.

===SEADOG CEMETERY===

Here lies many of the most legendary pirates ever to splice a mainbrace, including: Red Beard Tidy Beard Fake Beard, the Pirate Queen

and

Peg Leg Pedro, who teetered and wobbled across the seven seas and feared nothing but woodworm.

==[[Dragon Island]]==

===Dragon Island Hint===

THIS ISLAND IS HOME TO THE KING OF DRAGONS

Despite their generally fearsome reputation, many Dragons are in fact sensitive, erudite creatures, who enjoy nothing more than a good book and a chalice of chamomile tea.

Beware though, even the most sophisticated serpent can get a little testy if disturbed.

==[[Haunted Ruins]]==

===Chicken Herding Hint===

TO THE FINDER OF THIS NOTE:

We are but humble farmers who have been captured by Zarok and used as a human shield. I am not complaining, it's a job I spose, but our poor livestock are starvin! Please kind stranger, take pity, they are but innocents and ignorant of the ways of men, let not our chickens starve.

Signed, Humble Farmer

===Farmer Puzzle Hint===

Zarok is using the local farmers as a human shield.

They dangle precariously over sharp spikes in the courtyard below.

At the first sign of trouble the Shadow Demons will attempt to sacrifice the captives by dropping them onto sharp spikes.

Move quickly, slay the demons on guard and save the farmers from a nasty death.

===HAUNTED GALLOWMERE: A WALKING TOUR===

The ghost of Peregrine, last King of Gallowmere has occasionally been seen wandering these very halls. The story goes that he mourns the passing of Gallowmere's golden age, his long departed friends and, most of all, his lost crown. It is said that if the crown were ever returned then King Peregrine could at last find rest.

===Golem Lever===

WARNING!

This lever operates floodgates sealing the lava chamber that lies deep below.

Unless you have express permission from the King:

Do not pull lever. Do not touch lever. Do not look at lever.

Penalty for improper use: As a failsafe two Golem Guardians are under orders to attack anyone initiating the castle's self-destruct.

===Oil Pump Hint===

EMERGENCY OIL PUMP ROOM

Authorised personnel only.

==[[Ghost Ship]]==

===Officer Puzzle Hint===

GRAFFITI OF THE ANCIENT MARINER:

Most of the crew seeem to be under the control of a few officers - without them they'd be like headless chickens.

Though their feet be uglier.

===Cannon Puzzle Hint===

GRAFFITI OF THE ANCIENT MARINER:

This cannon is so big and powerful that it may be capable of propelling a skinny man the length of this ship! Sadly there is not enough gunpowder available in this part of the ship to test my theory.

Another great scientific discovery foiled by lack of resources.

==[[Hall of Heroes (Resurrection)|Hall of Heroes]]==

===Homage===

===Hero Homage===

To pay homage to the heroes stand in front of their statues and await spiritual guidance.

[[Category:Books]]