Medievil Times

Medievil Times is a promotional MediEvil 2 newspaper published in 2000. The canonicity of its content is unknown, but due to a lot of inconsistency with other materials, it is safe to assume that that it is not canon.

Transcript

Medievil Times

No. 666, LONDON, FRIDAY, APRIL 21, 1886. PRICE 3d.

BIRTHS.

• DENTON. - On the 5th April., 31, Long Street, London, the wife of WARREN DENTON, of 4 healthy daughters and a healthy son.
• WEIRD. - On the 12th April., at Great Oakley Street, London, the wife of MOSE WEIRD, of a son.
• WEIRDER. - On the tsth April, at s, Compdm-hill-lane, the wife of EVELYN WEIRDER, of Lincoln's Inn, Barrister-at-Law, of a son.

DEATHS.

• BELLOWS. - On the 10th April., in shock at as Colville-lane, Kensington pork, HARRY BELLOWS, aged 65 years.
• BEWICKE. - On the 10th April., suddenly, at 349 Carlos Square, Mayfair, ANGELO BEWICKE aged 52.
• BRYAN. - On the 12th April., at 18 Lansdowne-Close, Wimbledon, PENELOPE MARGARET BRYAN, eldest daughter of the late Sir Alexander Bryan, F.R.S., formerly of the Eagle, Sevenoaks, aged 67 years.
• CRITCHEN. - On the 6th April., of a weak heart, at 117 Westboume lane, London, ALEXANDER CRITCHEN aged 46 years.
• CROWE. - On the 3rd March., at her residence, The RAW, Bromley, aged 46 years.
• DAWSON. - On the 1st April., at Littlehompton, suddenly, EARNEST DAWSON, Esq., J.P., Mayor of Rochester, son of the late William Dawson, Esq., of Swayland, Penhurst, Kent, aged 52 years.
• FORD. - On the 13th inst., at Longhurst-road, Treatham-hill, ALLARINA, the dearly beloved wife of FRANCIS FORD, in her 48th year.
• GILES. - On the 5th inst., at Old Salt, Seagate, Sussex, MARY, widow of the late THOMAS JOSEPH SIMMONS, aged 32. 
• JACKSON. - On the 6th inst., at 102 Lancaster Street, ANNE, wife of the late ALI JACKSON, aged 58.

RESURRECTIONS.

• ALBERTAOSAURUS. - On the 19th April., at the Natural History Museum, London, aged 74 million years.
• CENTROSAURUS. - On the 16th April., at the Natural History Museum, Kensington, London, aged 70 million years.
• DANIEL FORTESQUE. - On the 21st April., at The Old Museum, London, aged 500 years.
• DEMANOID. - On the 10th April, at Blythe Hill, aged 666 years.
• DEMENTIA. - On the 11th April., at Hammersmith Cemetery, aged 29 years.
• DIPLODOCUS. - On the 19th April., at the British Museum, Russell Square, London, aged 72 million years.
• DISASTER. - On the 14th April, at Charlton Cemetery, aged 50 years.
• EVIL EYE. - On the 12th April., at Hampstead Heath, aged 220, years.
• EVIL ONE. - On the 12th April., at Hither Green Crematorium, aged 99 years
• GANGRENE. - On the 8th April., at Surbiton Cemetery, London, aged 600 years.
• GHOULE. - On the 7th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, London, aged 253 years. 
• GHOGLIAN. - On the 8th April, at Kingston Cemetery, London, aged 140 years.
• GOBLIN. - On the 8th April., at Kingston Cemetery, London, aged 676 years.
• HOBO. - On the 19th April., at Blackforest, aged 21 years.
• PLAGUE. - On the 8th April, at Surbiton Cemetery, London, aged 224 years.
• POISONE. - On the 8th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, London, aged 180 years.
• SETH. - On the 15th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, aged 175 years.
• TRICERATOPS. - On the 19th April., at the Natural History Museum, Kensington, London, aged 66 million years.
• YAMA. - On the 18th April., at Brixton Hill Cemetery, aged 2000 years.

74 MILLION YEAR OLD ALBERTAOSAURUS ESCAPES FROM THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.

On the morning of April 19th at approximately twenty past eleven, a powerful explosion occurred in the Natural History Museum. The force of the explosion was so great that the front windows and side door of the museum were blown out. Those who were passing by the museum were thrown to the ground and badly cut by broken glass. Moments later, to the utter astonishment of onlookers, a prehistoric beast crashed through the front entrance of the museum.

The streets erupted in chaos as carriages were overturned and their riders flung from within as horses reared and bucked to avoid being trampled to death by the vile beast. Men and women cowered in terror as the beast pounced on the injured strewn in the gutters.

The services of a Detective-Inspector Charlie of Scotland-yard and Inspector Thomson, B Division, were procured immediately to investigate and have since confirmed that the prehistoric creature is in fact a 74 million year old Albertaosaurus. The public are warned that the Albertaosaurus is carnivorous in nature and should not be tackled single-handedly. Should anyone have any details of the beast's whereabouts, they should contact their nearest station at once.

Scotland-yard is now in hot pursuit of the 1500 kg beast, which was last seen heading towards Greenwich.

ANOTHER HIDEOUS MURDER IN WHITECHAPEL.

Another murder of the most foulest kind was committed in the neighbourhood of Whitechapel in the early hours of yesterday morning. The motive and the killer still remain a mystery. At ten minutes past five, Police-Constable Haylock, when in Cudworth Street, Whitechapel, stumbled upon the body of a woman whom he believed to be asleep in the doorway of a public house. When attempting to rouse her thinking she was drunk, he discovered a deep wound to the side of her neck. He at once procured assistance from the nearest police station and called upon a general practitioner who resided no further than 100 yards from the murder. Upon a hasty examination of the victim's body, Dr. Loud pronounced the victim dead. In addition to a sharp tooth like bite mark to the neck area he also discovered deep claw marks in her back and upper arm areas. Her body was subsequently borne away to the parish morgue in New Castle Street. The female victim was later identified as a one Mary Swinton who resided at the poor house on Jubilee Lane.

Within the past two weeks, 10 people have been murdered in the vicinity of New Castle Street and their bodies left in the gutter. All victims bear identical claw like incisions in the neck or upper arm area. Leading physicians of the land are still unable to match the marks on the victim's bodies to any living creature.

Dr. Loud carried out a second examination of the body in the mortuary, but will not carry out a post-mortem until he receives the consent of the Coroner. The inquest is fixed for today.

NIGHT-WATCHMEN ON 24-HOUR DUTY.

In response to a demonstration outside Parliament last week with regards to the safety of men and women in the city of London, the Horne Secretary this morning issued an official statement. It was agreed that the number of Night-Watchmen patrolling the streets would be increased and they would operate in 8-hourly shifts throughout the day and night.

AMBITIOUS INDUSTRIALIST LORD PALETHORNPLEADS NOT GUILTY TO RESURRECTING EVIL FORCES.

LORD PALETHORN, 56, great-grandson of the Honourable Lord Daniel Roger Palethorn, has pleaded NOT GUILTY to an indictment for having dabbled in black magic. On the night of April 10th, a Police-Constable named Steven Hagger, being on duty in Brixton Hill, noticed a stream of green smoke curling out from under the doorway of a derelict warehouse. He quickly collected several other constables and posted them at different spots around the premises. Soon after the police had began watching, Lord Palethom emerged from the warehouse and was at once stopped by a constable named Hallfield whereupon a struggled ensued, but Hallfield succeeded in holding him until other officers arrived. Upon entering the building the officers seized possession of a walking stick and a Book of Spells that was without the final pages. Lord Palethorn was subsequently taken to Brixton Hill lock-up where be remained until the following morning whereupon he was brought before the magistrate.

As a respected member of society who has borne very good character until now, it was decided that it was in interest of the public that the accused be released on bail at the sum of £20.

Gallery

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