Medievil Times

Medievil Times is a promotional MediEvil 2 newspaper published in 2000. The canonicity of its content is unknown, but due to a lot of inconsistency with other materials, it is safe to assume that it is not canon or a secondary source at best.

Transcript

Some of the text on pages 2 and 3 is obscured by imagery and thus cannot be transcribed.

Medievil Times, page 1

No. 666, LONDON, FRIDAY, APRIL 21, 1886. PRICE 3d.

BIRTHS.

• DENTON. - On the 5th April., 31, Long Street, London, the wife of WARREN DENTON, of 4 healthy daughters and a healthy son.
• WEIRD. - On the 12th April., at Great Oakley Street, London, the wife of MOSE WEIRD, of a son.
• WEIRDER. - On the tsth April, at s, Compdm-hill-lane, the wife of EVELYN WEIRDER, of Lincoln's Inn, Barrister-at-Law, of a son.

DEATHS.

• BELLOWS. - On the 10th April., in shock at as Colville-lane, Kensington park, HARRY BELLOWS, aged 65 years.
• BEWICKE. - On the 10th April., suddenly, at 349 Carlos Square, Mayfair, ANGELO BEWICKE aged 52.
• BRYAN. - On the 12th April., at 18 Lansdowne-Close, Wimbledon, PENELOPE MARGARET BRYAN, eldest daughter of the late Sir Alexander Bryan, F.R.S., formerly of the Eagle, Sevenoaks, aged 67 years.
• CRITCHEN. - On the 6th April., of a weak heart, at 117 Westboume lane, London, ALEXANDER CRITCHEN aged 46 years.
• CROWE. - On the 3rd March., at her residence, The RAW, Bromley, aged 46 years.
• DAWSON. - On the 1st April., at Littlehompton, suddenly, EARNEST DAWSON, Esq., J.P., Mayor of Rochester, son of the late William Dawson, Esq., of Swayland, Penhurst, Kent, aged 52 years.
• FORD. - On the 13th inst., at Longhurst-road, Treatham-hill, ALLARINA, the dearly beloved wife of FRANCIS FORD, in her 48th year.
• GILES. - On the 5th inst., at Old Salt, Seagate, Sussex, MARY, widow of the late THOMAS JOSEPH SIMMONS, aged 32. 
• JACKSON. - On the 6th inst., at 102 Lancaster Street, ANNE, wife of the late ALI JACKSON, aged 58.

RESURRECTIONS.

• ALBERTAOSAURUS. - On the 19th April., at the Natural History Museum, London, aged 74 million years.
• CENTROSAURUS. - On the 16th April., at the Natural History Museum, Kensington, London, aged 70 million years.
• DANIEL FORTESQUE. - On the 21st April., at The Old Museum, London, aged 500 years.
• DEMANOID. - On the 10th April, at Blythe Hill, aged 666 years.
• DEMENTIA. - On the 11th April., at Hammersmith Cemetery, aged 29 years.
• DIPLODOCUS. - On the 19th April., at the British Museum, Russell Square, London, aged 72 million years.
• DISASTER. - On the 14th April, at Charlton Cemetery, aged 50 years.
• EVIL EYE. - On the 12th April., at Hampstead Heath, aged 220, years.
• EVIL ONE. - On the 12th April., at Hither Green Crematorium, aged 99 years
• GANGRENE. - On the 8th April., at Surbiton Cemetery, London, aged 600 years.
• GHOULE. - On the 7th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, London, aged 253 years. 
• GHOGLIAN. - On the 8th April, at Kingston Cemetery, London, aged 140 years.
• GOBLIN. - On the 8th April., at Kingston Cemetery, London, aged 676 years.
• HOBO. - On the 19th April., at Blackforest, aged 21 years.
• PLAGUE. - On the 8th April, at Surbiton Cemetery, London, aged 224 years.
• POISONE. - On the 8th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, London, aged 180 years.
• SETH. - On the 15th April., at Bethnal Green Cemetery, aged 175 years.
• TRICERATOPS. - On the 19th April., at the Natural History Museum, Kensington, London, aged 66 million years.
• YAMA. - On the 18th April., at Brixton Hill Cemetery, aged 2000 years.

74 MILLION YEAR OLD ALBERTAOSAURUS ESCAPES FROM THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.

On the morning of April 19th at approximately twenty past eleven, a powerful explosion occurred in the Natural History Museum. The force of the explosion was so great that the front windows and side door of the museum were blown out. Those who were passing by the museum were thrown to the ground and badly cut by broken glass. Moments later, to the utter astonishment of onlookers, a prehistoric beast crashed through the front entrance of the museum.

The streets erupted in chaos as carriages were overturned and their riders flung from within as horses reared and bucked to avoid being trampled to death by the vile beast. Men and women cowered in terror as the beast pounced on the injured strewn in the gutters.

The services of a Detective-Inspector Charlie of Scotland-yard and Inspector Thomson, B Division, were procured immediately to investigate and have since confirmed that the prehistoric creature is in fact a 74 million year old Albertaosaurus. The public are warned that the Albertaosaurus is carnivorous in nature and should not be tackled single-handedly. Should anyone have any details of the beast's whereabouts, they should contact their nearest station at once.

Scotland-yard is now in hot pursuit of the 1500 kg beast, which was last seen heading towards Greenwich.

ANOTHER HIDEOUS MURDER IN WHITECHAPEL.

Another murder of the most foulest kind was committed in the neighbourhood of Whitechapel in the early hours of yesterday morning. The motive and the killer still remain a mystery. At ten minutes past five, Police-Constable Haylock, when in Cudworth Street, Whitechapel, stumbled upon the body of a woman whom he believed to be asleep in the doorway of a public house. When attempting to rouse her thinking she was drunk, he discovered a deep wound to the side of her neck. He at once procured assistance from the nearest police station and called upon a general practitioner who resided no further than 100 yards from the murder. Upon a hasty examination of the victim's body, Dr. Loud pronounced the victim dead. In addition to a sharp tooth like bite mark to the neck area he also discovered deep claw marks in her back and upper arm areas. Her body was subsequently borne away to the parish morgue in New Castle Street. The female victim was later identified as a one Mary Swinton who resided at the poor house on Jubilee Lane.

Within the past two weeks, 10 people have been murdered in the vicinity of New Castle Street and their bodies left in the gutter. All victims bear identical claw like incisions in the neck or upper arm area. Leading physicians of the land are still unable to match the marks on the victim's bodies to any living creature.

Dr. Loud carried out a second examination of the body in the mortuary, but will not carry out a post-mortem until he receives the consent of the Coroner. The inquest is fixed for today.

NIGHT-WATCHMEN ON 24-HOUR DUTY.

In response to a demonstration outside Parliament last week with regards to the safety of men and women in the city of London, the Home Secretary this morning issued an official statement. It was agreed that the number of Night-Watchmen patrolling the streets would be increased and they would operate in 8-hourly shifts throughout the day and night.

AMBITIOUS INDUSTRIALIST LORD PALETHORN PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO RESURRECTING EVIL FORCES.

LORD PALETHORN, 56, great-grandson of the Honourable Lord Daniel Roger Palethorn, has pleaded NOT GUILTY to an indictment for having dabbled in black magic. On the night of April 10th, a Police-Constable named Steven Hagger, being on duty in Brixton Hill, noticed a stream of green smoke curling out from under the doorway of a derelict warehouse. He quickly collected several other constables and posted them at different spots around the premises. Soon after the police had began watching, Lord Palethom emerged from the warehouse and was at once stopped by a constable named Hallfield whereupon a struggled ensued, but Hallfield succeeded in holding him until other officers arrived. Upon entering the building the officers seized possession of a walking stick and a Book of Spells that was without the final pages. Lord Palethorn was subsequently taken to Brixton Hill lock-up where be remained until the following morning whereupon he was brought before the magistrate.

As a respected member of society who has borne very good character until now, it was decided that it was in interest of the public that the accused be released on bail at the sum of £20.

HOUSES, &c., TO BE SOLD.

• KENSINGTON. - For absolute URGENT SALE. This delightful mansion with stabling in rear has six bedrooms overlooking Hyde Park. Deposit £50, and balance can remain, payable by small quarterly payments as rent at 4 1/2 per cent. Apply at the house. No. 60 Davies Street, Kensington.

• HAMPSTEAD. - For QUICK SALE, newly erected, double-fronted eight bedroom residence, in prime location, with all modern fittings including electric light. Box room, one bath, three reception rooms and billiard room. Large garden. Lease 900 years. Price £1,650. Apply at the house. No. 62. Haverstock Avenue, N.W.
• BAYSWATER. - FURNISHED HOUSE for IMMEDIATE absolute SALE. Three large and lofty reception rooms, eight bedrooms, bath, sanitation, coach house, stabling. Ten minutes from church. Price £1,200 - 116A Westbourne Rise.
• KENNINGTON. - DISCOUNTED HOUSE for ABSOLUTE SALE. Five large bedrooms, high ceiling reception rooms, one bath, stabling at rear, spacious garden. Reduced price of £500. Apply at the house. No. 54 Bridge Lane, S.W.

WANTED, immediately, A SAVIOUR.

Medievil Times, page 2 (incomplete)

PUBLIC APPOINTMENT:

Sir Daniel Fortesque officially appointed by the Home Secretary to restore law and order in the capital.

We publish this morning an official communication from the Home Office announcing the appointment of SIR DANIEL FORTESQUE as MINISTER OF DEFENCE. Sir Daniel Fortesque was formerly a servant to the Crown 500 years ago and was decorated with the highest medal of the land after he successfully saved the county of Gallowmere from demonic forces.

"On behalf of the House, I desire most cordially to thank Sir Daniel for coming out of retirement in order to be of service to his country once again. And to wish him every success in his forthcoming mission."

TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMES. -

Sir. - I make use of this column firstly to humbly thank you for (...) with such a prestigious tide and second (...) of my intentions and the views (...) with regard to this state of emergency (...) 

I have good reason to suppose that the chaos unleashed in the city is the work of no other than the ruthless and ambitious industrialist - Lord Palethorn. It was brought to my attention sometime back when the wretched scoundrel was apprehended, that he was in the possession of the Ancient Book of Black Magic, which (...) time was in the possession of an equal rogue, Lord Zarok. Within the pages of this Ancient Book lies (...) spell which enables the sorcerer to unleash demons and other monsters from hell. These are the same re (...) demons and monsters that are terrorising our (...) 

Received (...) 
the pages of the Ancient Book as missing (...) 
fell into the hands of the enemy he (...) 
his revenge (...)

In my mind I have good reason to suppose that the chaos unleashed in the city is the work of no other than the ruthless and ambitious industrialist - Lord Palethorn. It was brought to my attention sometime back when the wretched scoundrel was apprehended, that he was in the possession of the Ancient Book of Black Magic, which (...) time was in the possession of an equal rogue, Lord Zarok. Within the pages of this Ancient Book lies (...) spell which enables the sorcerer to unleash demons and other monsters from hell. These are the same re (...) demons and monsters that are terrorising our (...) 

Information with regards to Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen, I urge you to report the matter to your local police station immediately. Do not attempt to tackle these monsters yourself as they are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous in nature. 

(...) 

Already in (...)ts to find the missing pages, I have (...) of a truly evil and hideous nature - zombies and gargoyles, to name but a few. In the meantime, I urge the public to keep indoors and roam the streets only when absolutely necessary.

Should any member of the public have any infromation at all regarding Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen, I urge you to report the matter to your local police station immediately. Do not attempt to tackle these monsters yourself as they are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous in nature. Several casualties have already resulted in an assault. And lastly fear not, for I have no doubt in my mind that these wicked plotters will be brought to justice. Should any member of the public have any infromation at all regarding Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen, I urge you to report the matter to your local police station immediately. Do not attempt to tackle these monsters yourself as they are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous in nature. Several casualties have already resulted in an assault. And lastly fear not, for I have no doubt in my mind that these wicked plotters will be brought to justice.

In a written statement released (...) her majesty, the Queen has declared (...) on the people of London and the city (...) and intorelable. 

The Queen gave the Royal Seal of (...) Sir Daniel Fortesque had been appointed (...) Minister of Defence. She further described (...) wicked and vowed that the plot (...)

Fortunately news has just been received (...) the pages of the Ancient Book as missing (...) fell into the hands of the enemy he (...) his revenge. Regarding Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen, I urge you to report the matter to your local police station immediately. Do not attempt to tackle these monsters yourself as they are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous in nature. Several casualties have already resulted in an assault. And lastly fear not, for I have no doubt in my mind that these wicked plotters will be brought to justice.

Medievil Times, page 3 (incomplete)

EMBALMED EGYPTIAN PRINCESS MISSING FROM BRITISH MUSEUM.

Yesterday, in the (...)
around fifteen (...)
sounded in the (...)
Bloomsbury  (...)
covered the (...)
So far the only (...) reported missing (...) embalmed Egyptian princess (...) dating back to (...) which went on (...) display at the British Museum (...) last week as part of (...) Egyptian Antiquities (...) The princess has simply (...) Apart from a gold gilded (...) belonging to the princess which (...) covered in a side street in the (...) of the Museum, there are no other (...) to her whereabouts. (...) gentleman (who wishes to remain anonymous) reported seeing four people leaving the British Museum at just ten minutes past one that (...) morning. The princess is believed to be one of the four. The police are still questioning witnesses.

WEAPONS ON LOAN FROM THE IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM.

In response to Sir Dan's request for military arsenal, the Imperial War Museum in Wandsworth, has kindly donated the following artillery to the cause:

Devastating multi-barrelled Gatling gun, five 16 inch (...) Italian blunderbuss guns with brass finish, (...) both capable of blowing the enemy into pieces, five (...) Arabian flintlock blunderbuss guns and (...) priceless Colada broadsword capable of (...) slicing the enemy in half. Sir Dan (...) professor with metal hands, has also suggested (...)ped with 16 crossbows and Ham(...) deal with enemies of organic m(...)

Already in (...) ts to find the missing pages, I have (...) of a truly evil and hideous nature - zombies and gargoyles, to name but a few. In the meantime, I urge the public to keep indoors and roam the streets only when absolutely necessary.

It is believed that Sir Dan has also approached the Natural History Museum and British Museum.

LORD PALETHORN'S EVIL HENCHMEN IDENTIFIED.

As of yesterday, police stations throughout the city were swamped with men and women who came forward to identify Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen. There were reports of walking zombies, evil pumpkin-headed creatures, gigantic prehistoric beasts, vampires, limbless boxers. Many broke down and wept as they recounted the horrible atrocities of the past week.

Sir Daniel Fortesque finds himself up against his old archenemy - Lord Palethorn whom he defeated 500 years ago.

SIR DAN'S MISSION.

Sir Daniel Fortesque has been assigned to find the lost pages of the ANCIENT BOOK OF BLACK MAGIC before it falls into the hands of the evil sorcerer - now identified as the ruthless and ambitious LORD PALETHORN. Lord Palethorn has since been held responsible for conjuring a spell from the Ancient Book resurrecting monsters and demons from the Underworld to wreak havoc in the capital. We have reasons to suppose his ultimate goal is to achieve World domination. However, this ultimate revenge cannot be completed without these crucial last pages.

(...)

SIR DAN PICKS HIS ALLIES TO HELP WARD OFF LORD PALETHORN'S ARMY.

Sir Daniel Fortesque has named his allies to help him in his search for the missing pages of the Book of Black Magic - A Professor with metal hands and a beautiful embalmed Egyptian Princess.

It is understood that the Professor will be responsible for updating Sir Dan on the happenings in the city each day. In addition, he will have the added responsibility of furnishing Sir Dan with all the weapons and ammunition he requires to thwart Lord Palethorn's evil henchmen.

The three of them face a huge daunting task ahead of them as they race through the alleyways of London fending off dinosaurs, prehistoric demons and other hellish creatures that are determined to foil their efforts to find the missing pages.

Medievil Times, page 4

THE WEATHER.

METEOROLOGICAL REPORTS.
WEATHER CHART, THURSDAY, APRIL. 20, 6P.M.

Weather was fine over the United Kingdom as a whole, but with mist and gloom in London. The rest of the week we're expecting to see more cloud, fog and some rain.

PERSONAL, &c.

HOUNDED BY DEMONS FROM THE UNDERWORLD. - Sir, I seek the advice of an experienced physician. Day after day I am pursued by zombies and limbless boxers. They lie waiting for me every street corner. It's a living nightmare. I implore you, should you know of anyone who could put an end to my suffering, please ask him to call upon:

Vernon Thomas Williams.
The Farmhouse.
Beckensfield.

REPLY TO CORRESPONDENT:

(No information was available at the time this article went to print)

PROLONGED DEPRESSION FROM A FEAR OF THE DARK. - Sir, I wish to locate a general practitioner who can prescribe a suitable remedy for my affliction. I am simply terrified of the dark. I can't venture outside for fear of the dark. I cannot sleep for fear of the dark. I dare not even wake for fear of the dark.

I should feel deeply grateful of any general practitioner who knows a cure to such an affliction. Please could he make himself known to:

David Levan
14, Lowgate street, April 21st.

REPLY TO CORRESPONDENT:

Prolonged depression from a fear of the dark - Sir, it appears that you are suffering from a condition otherwise known as ACHLUOPHOBIA. This is not a serious condition and can be easily cured by taking two or more tablespoons of SHIITAKE emulsion available from most apothecaries. Should your condition persist after a week, please present yourself to Dr Langlan's surgery at:

47 Harley Lane
London

PERSONAL, &c. Cont'd.

CROQUET CLUB MEMBERSHIP OFFERED. - Exclusive club set in beautiful gardens in Chelsea. An excellent way to meet respectable gentlemen and women who enjoy the same interests.

WHICH CRAFT CLUB. - A wide variety of traditional crafts to choose from. Apply to GEORGE SHEARER at The Mill, Richmond High Street.

BREAKFAST IN BED. - JAMES CARTER'S REVOLVING BED TABLE, adjustable to any height or inclination for reading and writing. Prices from 35s. Drawings free. Contact JAMES CARTER, 34 Battersea Park Lane, Battersea, S.W.

INVALID COMFORTS. - CARTER'S CARRYING CHAIRS, Co, Bed Tables, 6s 6d, Bed Rests, 7s 6d, Adjustable Spinal Couch, 30s, Crutches, 10s 5d, Portable Bed Pans from 5d. Drawings free. Contact JAMES CARTER, 34 Battersea Park Lane, Battersea, S.W.

PLEASURE TOURS, &c.

HAUNTED HALLOWEEN IN SALEM, USA.

You could WIN yourself a FREE TRIP to SALEM, USA for a week when you purchase MEDIEVIL 2. There isn't a better place than Salem to experience the spooky thrill of Halloween. Step back in time to 1692 and discover how over a dozen townsfolk were tried and convicted of Witchcraft in the infamous town.

Enjoy the town's thrilling yearly HAUNTED HAPPENINGS HALLOWEEN FESTIVAL prior to Halloween.

For details on how to enter our competition, please refer to the enclosed entry form.

Who knows where you could be spending Halloween this year?

HYPNOTION POTION

Dosage:
Adults one-two-three-four
or more tablespoons
two or three times a week

FOR INSOMNIA
Also Cures Consumption

Immediate sleep guaranteed or your money back!

"I fell into a deep sleep, for five days."
Anne.N.Somniac

HOBB'S ANTIBILIOUS PILLS.

HOBB'S PILLS - For Bile.

HOBB'S PILLS - For Liver.

HOBB'S PILLS - For Heartburn.

HOBB'S PILLS - For Indigestion.

HOBB'S PILLS - Free from Mercury.

HOBB'S PILLS - Made of Purest Drugs.

HOBB'S PILLS - In use ninety-five years.

LONG-LIFE KNIFE POLISH:-

also suitable for broadswords, axes and scissorhands

BEWARE OF IMITATION PRODUCTS.
THE ORIGINAL LONG-LIFE KNIFE SHINE
SOLD BY THE PROPRIETORS
FREDDY & SONS
IS AVAILABLE IN STORES EVERYWHERE.

NEW AND IMPROVED HOOP AND STICK

Rounder and faster.
LIMITED NUMBERS AVAILABLE.

A new and exciting way to improve your fitness. Start a neightbourhood competition. Develop obstacle course for an even greater challenge. Set for only 22d.

Gallery

• Medievil Times 4-1.jpg
• Medievil Times 2-3.jpg

Trivia

• April 21, 1886 was a Wednesday, not a Friday.
  • MediEvil 2 takes place in an alternate-world history however, and thus doesn't need to conform to our reality.