|Cambridge, England. Modern Day.|
|Bandaged Man||[Off-panel, using a voice box] Thank you so much for meeting with me Professor Darrow.|
|Professor Darrow||[Off-panel] Oh, my pleasure!|
|The Professor and the Bandaged Man are seen meeting inside a building of a University of Cambridge college. There is a portait of Captain Fortesque on the wall. The Professor is holding a big notebook.|
|Professor Darrow||My assistant said you'd promised a story that might be invaluable to my studies. How could I pass that up?|
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] I have been following your work on the[The Hero of Gallowmere' for many years. It has taught me a great deal. I think it's time for me to give something back!
First, let me apologize for my appearance - I have long suffered from an unpleasant... condition. People would find my true appearance quite distracting.
... And the events that disfigured me also robbed me of my voice.
|They sit down in armchairs. The Professor opens her notebook, ready to write the man's story down.|
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] Now where should I begin?
... Perhaps at the point where your study of Sir Fortesque's life descends into conjecture. – What really happened to him after his second resurrection? ... He had defeated Lord Palethorn, restored peace to Victorian London, but then what?
|Professor Darrow||People have long searched fruitlessly for his final resting place.|
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] What if I told you you’d been searching in the wrong time?|
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] We know that Sir Dan was aided by the genius inventor Hamilton Kift.
Scholars have spent years studying Kift's 'Time Machine' blueprints, but they found no evidence of such a device in his collection.
|Professor Darrow||We never believed it could really exist.|
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] ... Oh, but it did! It was never found, because Sir Dan and Princess Kiya used it!|
|We see Sir Dan and Princess Kiya sitting in the Time Machine. The two lovers are getting ready to flip a switch.|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] With the flick of a switch they simply disappeared from 1886.
Perhaps the Time Machine was defective?
Or perhaps they failed to properly set it?
They found themselves falling uncontrollably through the centuries.
... Gripping each other's hand tightly.
But fate had different plans for them.
In a blink – they were separated.
|Sir Dan is seen falling down from the sky towards the earth. There is a windmill and a cart full of pumpkins nearby. A castle can be seen in the distance.|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] Fate had delivered him to this place...
...to this time.
|Sir Dan lands in a cart full of pumpkins. He emerges from it, shouting.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Shouting] Waaghh!|
|He realizes that his left arm is missing. He notices that a dog with a red collar has picked it up.|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] ... Fate had popped off his arm for a reason.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Shouting] Oi! Gimme that!|
|Dan tries to take his arm back from the dog.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||That's... mine!|
|The dog resists and growls. Grrrrrr!|
|???||[Shouting] Dog! Dog! Get back here!|
|The dog immediately turns around and starts walking away with Dan's arm still in its mouth.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Shouting] Noo!|
|The person calling for the dog is revealed to be a pompously dressed man with black hair and buck teeth.|
|Pompous Man||What in the name of Saint Merkin have you got there you mangy cur?
Give that to me!
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[To himself] Just who is that pompous, obnoxious buffoon?
... And what is up with his teeth?
|The pompous man kicks his dog. The dog yowls.|
|Pompous Man||Lupo! Follow me you scabbrous mutt!
We're done hunting for today!
|The man throws Dan's arm behind himself. It lands right on top of Dan's head. Bok!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Quietly] Ouch!|
|Pompous Man||Lupo! It's time I pay a visit to the sweet widow Lucinda! She can pay me this week's rent! Ha! It's good to be me!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[While putting his arm back on] L-u-p-o ? Didn't I once have a dog called Lupo?
... And those teeth!
|Dan finally realizes that the pompous man is, in fact, himself.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Surprised] ... Oh no... Is that really who I was?|
|Dan's pompous counterpart reaches the castle gate, where one of the two of the gate's guards addresses him.|
|Castle Guard||Welcome back Captain Fortesque! King Peregrine asks that you join him in the throne room right away!|
|Captain Fortesque||But I was about to... Ugh... oh very well.
[Under his breath] What does the old wind-bag want now?
|Sir Dan watches Captain Fortesque from atop a rooftop. He tails the captain by jumping from roof to roof. He overhears a conversation between the two guards in front of the castle gate.|
|Castle Guard||You wouldn't believe what my Agnes found when she was cleanin' Fortesque's bed chamber the other week...|
|Dan jumps up and attaches himself to the open window of a reception room where King Peregrin awaits the captain.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Huff!|
|Dan sees his former living self bowing in front of the king. Zarok, the king's court magician and advisor, stands by the king's side. They are surrounded by several imp servants who laugh at the captain.|
|Captain Fortesque||My most glorious liege! I am forever at your service!|
|King Peregrin||There you are Captain! No doubt you were out drilling with the royal guard?
Tell me - how does their training progress?
|Captain Fortesque||Oh, er - absolutely I was my king! Under my peerless tutelage I shall make them the finest fighting force in all the Nine Kingdoms.
... Or my name's not Daniel Wigginbottom Fortesque the Fourth!
|King Peregrin||Oh that is reassuring...
... Because the scouts tell me that the army of the undead now numbers some 5000 rotting corpses. And they're heading our way!
|Captain Fortesque||[Screaming] They are?!|
|King Peregrin||Yes. They'll be stinking up the castle within a day.
Frankly Gallowmere's only hope of salvation lies with you and your gallant men. You must be ready to lead the charge!
|Captain Fortesque||[Shouting] Whaat?
[Scared] B-but you promised daddy there'd be no actual fighting?! Isn't repelling the undead horde the job of your... er... magician?
|Zarok||Well normally yes, I would love to help, brave Sir Knight, but sadly these are - the wrong type of undead. They're... um, magic proof!
And besides, I'm almost out of unicorn hooves.
|Captain Fortesque wets himself.|
|Captain Fortesque||Erm... I - er, think I need to go change my britches, I'm ah - very sweaty from all that drilling.|
|Captain Fortesque leaves the room.|
|King Peregrin||[To Zarok] You know - I do sometimes wonder if we have the right man leading the army... are you sure he's really the kingdom's greatest warrior?|
... And the men love him, sire.
|Zarok uses his trident to bewitch the king. Fzzap!|
|Zarok||I'm counting on it.|
|King Peregrin||[Under spell] What would I do without your wise counsel my old friend?
Brrr... Would you mind shutting that window?
|Zarok||Anything for your well being, sire.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Uh oh!|
|Zarok slams the window shut. Dan loses his grip on the windowsill and plummets to the courtyard below, screaming. Waaaggghhhhh!|
|Scared Girl||[Screaming] Eeeeek! Undead!|
|Civilians||[Shouting] Guards! Guards!|
|Castle Guards||[Shouting] Slay the thing!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Getting up from the fall] Huh?!|
|As soon as he realizes what is happening, Dan gets up and runs for his life... er, death.|
|Castle Guards||[Shouting] Undead! Stop that skeleton!|
|???||Quick, over here, sir!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Canny Tim?!|
|Dan dodges into an archway leading down some stairs, where he meets his once second-in-command, Canny Tim.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||You recognise me?|
|Canny Tim||Absolutely, sir! I am very canny! It's in my name, sir!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||True. And you can understand me?|
|Canny Tim||Indeed, sir. My poor old mam also lost her jaw when I was but a babe.
... And the fairies - they told me to expect you, sir. That you'd need my help.
|Tim knocks on a door at the end of the stairs. Knock knock!|
|Canny Tim||This is Griff...|
|They proceed inside where Dan meets Griff, one of Gallowmere's fairies.|
|Griff||'Ello Timmykins! Oh if it ain't Mister Forteskew! Good to see ya mate! We was expecting yer!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||How?!|
|Griff||Well, to tell the trooof, us faaaairies exist aaatside o' time. It's our job to make sure stuff 'appens like it's s'posed ter. We're like gaaaardians of fate or summink.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||What do I have to do now?!|
|Canny Tim||It's Captain Fortesque, sir! He's all that stands between us and a staggering army of the undead, more rotten and horrible than anything the world has ever seen, sir.|
|Griff||Yeah ... And just between the 'free of us...
We all 'fink that dood's a bit of a doooooosh!
|A short way from the castle...|
|Mother||Hurry children! Into the house!|
|Child||[Screaming] It's in the trees, mama!|
|A giant monster crashes through the forest trees.|
|The Jabberwocky screeches. Skreee! The scene then shifts back to Dan, Tim and Griff. They are in front of a drawing discussing a plan.|
|Griff||So listen up guys. The Battle of Gallowmere may not be 'til tomorrer, but in one hour the castle is gonna be attacked.
[Exclaiming] By a Jabberwockee!
Everyone's gonna be expectin' Captain F to step up - 'ee's the King's Champion after all. If we do nuffink, you just know that ninny's gonna poop the bunk, right?
|Canny Tim||Do you think you can somehow take his place, sir?|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Maybe...|
|Griff||I like yer 'finkin, Timmy! Danny boy's gonna need to wear the fancy pants armour that 'ee normally wears.
And course we'll need to keep him aaata the way... Sir Dan will also need a pretty bangin' weapon.
|Canny Tim||Me mam used to tell me the story about how the Jabberwocky was first made - it's pretty much invulnerable to regular weapons. But I think I know where to find just the tool for the job!|
|Griff||Awright then! You look after that and me and Dan can go visit the good captain!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Let's do this!|
|The scene transitions to the outside of Gallowmere's castle.|
|Canny Tim||[Off-screen] Quick - it's an emergency!|
|Canny Tim is at Weapon Requisitions talking to the requisitioner.|
|Canny Tim||I need to requisition a sword - the castle is under attack!|
|Weapon Requisitioner||If only I had a penny for every time I've heard that one.
Please take a ticket and wait for me to call your number, sir.
|Canny Tim||But there REALLY is a monster about to atta -|
|Weapon Requisitioner||[Interrupting] Ahem!
Take a seat and await your turn, sir.
|On his way to sit down in the waiting area, Tim notices a very big sword inside a glass case.|
|Canny Tim||Wow - that's quite a weapon!
[Reading a plaque] "The Magic Sword of Dirk Steadfast. Forged by his own skilled hand, legendary hero Dirk Steadfast used this very sword to lop off the Jabberwocky's head and chase it from the kingdom."
Huh - I guess it grew back!
|The scene shifts to Sir Dan, disguised as an old man with a long beard in a long flowing brown robe. Griff is hiding inside the beard.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Where next?|
|Griff||[Peaking out of the beard] Take the next left - his room is at the end. Knock on the door and leave the rest to me.|
|The scene shifts back to Weapon Requisitions where Canny Tim is still waiting.|
|Weapon Requisitioner||Number 23 please!|
|Canny Tim checks his ticket. He is number 31.
The scene shifts back to Sir Dan and Griff as they are about to knock on the captain's door. Knock knock!
|Captain Fortesque||[From behind the door] Ah, Lucinda - you're early, come on in!|
|The Captain is spread out on a loveseat, shirtless.|
|Captain Fortesque||... I'm ready for you!|
|The scene shifts again to the Weapon Requisitions.|
|Weapon Requisitioner||Number 26 please!|
|The scene shifts to Dan and Griff once more. They have just opened the door to the captain's bedchambers.|
|Griff||Erk! Cover your eye, Dan!|
|Captain Fortesque||[Screaming] WHAT?! Who the BLAZES are you?!|
|Griff flies out from under Sir Dan's fake beard and shoots some magic into the captain's face. Fzzaaappp!|
|Captain Fortesque||[Screaming] Aaaargh! Ow ow ow! My eyes!
What did you do that for you malicious little sprite?
|Griff||Quick Dan, sock 'im!|
|Dan knocks the captain out with a nearby trophy.|
|Griff||Oh... how embarassin' - that did not go to plan! Normally when I fajazzle someone they become mesmerized and follow me every command.|
|Dan and Griff turn their attention to a very flamboyant suit of armor.|
|Griff||... There's the armor we're after. Custom made for Lord Fopdoodle 'ere.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Ugh! I have to wear that!|
|The scene shifts back to Weapon Requisitions.|
|Weapon Requisitioner||Number 30 please!|
|Canny Tim is getting angry now. Gggrrrr. Meanwhile, the Jabberwocky's attack begins!|
|A bell is rung to alert people of the danger. Glong glong. The Jabberwocky bursts in through the castle walls. Rrraark!|
|Man||[Screaming] We're under attack!|
|Griff||Go get 'im, Dannee boy!|
|Dan jumps out the window of the Captain's room and lands in front of the Jabberwocky.|
|The Jabberwocky lunges at Sir Dan. Snap!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Huff!|
|Sir Dan manages to dodge the attack. Suddenly, the Jabberwocky lifts itself off the ground and starts spewing acid at him. Hisss. His armour begins to melt.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Aw crap!|
|He strikes the Jabberwocky with his sword. It shatters. Krack!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Bugger!|
|Meanwhile at Weapon Requisitions...|
|Canny Tim||It's me. It has to be me now, right?|
|Weapon Requisitioner||Absolutely sir - you're next.
Just as soon as I finish my break.
|Canny Tim has reached his limit. Sounds of a struggle can be heard from inside the Weapon Requisitions building. Thwack. Oof! SMASH.
|Canny Tim||Hey, over here sir - I have an idea!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Nice shot!|
|Canny Tim||Oh, t'was nothing!
... The Jabberwocky is a magical beast. It cannot be killed, but if you can chop off its head that should slow it down for quite some time!
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||How?!|
|Canny Tim||[Shouting] Magic Sword!|
|Canny Tim throws Dirk Steadfast's Magic Sword to Sir Dan. Dan grasps it firmly in his hand. Tadadada!|
|Chonk! In one fell swoop, Sir Dan chops off the Jabberwocky's head. Uuurrkk. The people are watching.|
|Civilians||'e slayed the beast! Our hero!|
|King Peregrin||I say... is that Captain Fortesque?|
|Later, after the sun sets, Sir Dan makes his way out of the castle. His thoughts turn to the love that he lost.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Where are you now, my princess?|
|He is suddenly hit in the head by a club. Bok! He has been found by Zarok and two of his henchmen.|
|Zarok||So, Sir Fortesque!
... Only not my Sir Fortesque.
It seems this one has lost his flesh but gained some clackers! Well no matter - you may have defeated my little pet, but you won't be around to bother my army.
Make no mistake - that gib-faced hornswoggler will lead the King's army. ...And they will crumble under the incompetence of that - that chicken-hearted fribble!
|Boris||Ha! Nice one Boris - you bashed 'im good!|
|Zarok||Take him far from the castle... Take him to... the Mystic Maidens and - crush. His. Bones. To dust!|
|Zarok's henchmen begin dragging Sir Dan away. Nnnooooo!|
|The Battle of Gallowmere|
|The two henchmen have put Sir Dan in a sack and dragged him all the way out to the Mystic Maidens, a seemingly ancient circle of standing stones. They place Dan on a stone slab in the middle of the circle.|
|Zarok's Henchman||Let's pulverate 'im!|
|Boris||I 'fink it's 'pulver-ize' Merek.
... But words make my 'ed hurt. Let's just do it.
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||...Mmwwwr ...mumble! ...Mrrbuu!|
|Just as they're about to strike, they are interrupted by the howling of a beast. Aaawwoooo! A werewolf jumps on Merek's back. It rips out Merek's head, including most of his spine. Rrriiipp.|
|The werewolf is bathed in Merek's blood and gore. Swipe. Spurt. Boris doesn't stand a chance. Slash! The werewolf slashes Boris' stomach, his guts spilling out everywhere. The werewolf then howls at the moon once more. Howwwllll!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Getting out of the sack] Gulp|
|The werewolf jumps on Sir Dan and starts licking him. Suddenly Griff appears as well.|
|Griff||Wow! Who knew yer old hound was a were-dog? He must have been bit by one of the forest wolves at some point. I found 'im back at the castle so I sprinkled a bit o' fairy juice in his eyes to help 'im understand who yer was...|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||... Fairy juice?|
|Griff||I may have also promised 'im a yummy bone, hope yer don't mind...
So, I brought Tim and me little sis' Noreen with me. She's probably the fairest maiden in all the magical realm!
So me bruv filled me in on the 'sitch. I fink I've got an idea that can 'elp yer.
So there ain't no way that lily liver Fortesque's gonna be leading no battle charge. We're gonna need you and 'im to proper trade places.
|Griff||Noreen's friends with some of the witches of Gallowmere.|
|Noreen||That's right, bruv. And I 'appen to know that my mate Wartilda can make a mean body swap potion.|
|Canny Tim||That sounds perfect! Er, assuming you're up for that, sir?|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||> Gulp < Ok! What do I have to do?|
|Noreen||Well... she's gonna need three fings.
First, she'll need a bone from you Sir Knight... got any you don't use no more? He he he!
Then she'll want a chunk of the yella belly's flesh. Nuffin' too big - maybe a toe?
And finally she'll need the heart of someone wot loves yer.
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||... Love?|
|Thinking about Kiya makes Dan sad. Canny Tim picks up on this and adopts an equally sad look.|
|Griff||Come on now! There must be someone wot loves yer?|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Well there was someone... but I doubt I'll ever see her again. It's impossible.|
|Noreen||Come on fellas - Auntie Noreen wouldn't give yer a plan like this 'less we could make it 'appen!|
|Griff||Yeah, you is in luck 'cos fairy chicks possess a special power that us doods don't 'av!|
|Noreen||I can take you to her. Wiv magic.|
|Griff||Come on, Dan - it's easy. All you need to do is picture yourself with your missus. Then Noreen'll expel a little magic gas and - hey presto - yer back with yer true love.|
|Noreen||So... we gonna do this fing?|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Let's do it!|
|Dan begins to concentrate on Kiya. Noreen places her hands on his skull.|
|Griff||Come on Noreen! - I believe in yer!|
|Noreen expels some 'magic gas'. Toot! Sir Dan suddenly disappears. Pop!|
|Griff||Heh! Bit too 'ard, eh? Easily done.|
|Canny Tim||> Cough! <|
|Noreen||... We did tell him he only 'as twenty minutes, right?|
|Sir Dan finds himself in an Egyptian tomb. He picks up a lit torch from the wall. Click. However, he is suddenly attacked by a snake. Hissss! It bites into his leg.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||You're biting the wrong guy, buddy!|
|Dan squishes the snake under his foot. Stomp!
|Princess Kiya's letter||'...I travelled back to my own time where I faced an evil warlock bent on summoning Anubis into the mortal realm...'
'...I learnt to cross-stitch and created a tapestry depicting our glorious adventure together...'
'...but I grew weary. I asked my High Priest to invoke a ritual of eternal rest, to seal me up in here. Just as we were beginning a strange little blue sprite appeared. He told me that you may yet need my help, that I should leave a special gift for you...'
'...third drawer down on the left at the end of the sarcophagus...'
'...you will also find a special item of great power...'
'...eternally yours, Kiya'
|Dan is brought to tears by the letter. He imagines Kiya giving him one last kiss before he takes what he came for and heads back.|
|Griff||Oi, Timothy! Look - Sir Dan is back!|
|Canny Tim||Welcome back sir!
... Actually, Griff, my full name's not Timothy. It's Timberly.
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||!|
|Canny Tim||Poor old mam struggled with Ks... Timberly kinda stuck.|
|Griff||Waaaait a minute! You're a chick!|
|Canny Tim||Well... yes! Just between us of course - they'd never let a girl fight in the King's army. My little secret - he he!|
|Noreen||Silly boys - I fort you knew?! Anyhow,i t looks like Dan's got 'imself a heart. I'm sorry dear, that must have been tough.|
|Griff||Well... we was busy too. We caught 'im trying to run away.|
|Griff flits over to Captain Fortesque.|
|Griff||We went back to the castle and... um, it pains me to say it, but me little sis' is a better fajazzler than I am.
... And we met up back 'ere at Wartilda's gaff...
|Wartilda||Pleased to meet you Sir Knight!
... It's my pleasure to help you with your magical brew today! This is one of my fav-
|A sudden burst of green energy interrupts them. Foosh!|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Zarok!|
|Zarok||Curse you Fortesque! I don't know how you escaped my thugs...
...But I can't let you turn him into a hero.
|Zarok begins to raise the dead. Zombies begin bursting out of the ground. Grrrr.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Shouting] Protect the Captain!|
|Sir Dan, Canny Tim and Lupo bravely fight off the onslaught of the undead. The battle is over soon.|
|Canny Tim||Zarok has vanished, sir.|
|Wartilda||Ooh - I do apologize for all those corpses! Anyhow... you have some ingredients for me?|
|Dan hands over the canopic jar containing Kiya's heart to Wartilda. He pops off a bit of his finger and throws it in the cauldron. And the final ingredient...|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||Gulp!|
|Unlike Sir Dan, Lupo doesn't hesitate. He bites off one of the Captain's toes and promptly spits it out in the cauldron. Plop!|
|Canny Tim||So... have you guys considered how Sir Dan is actually going to drink this stuff?|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||[Smacking his head] Doh!|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] After much debate they decided to thicken up the potion to turn it into a kind of ointment. They rubbed some all over Dan's skull and some more on Captain Fortesque.|
|The scene changes. The sun is coming out and two figures can be seen walking towards Castle Peregrin.|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] By dawn the spell had worked - Sir Dan was not back in his fleshy form and Captain Fortesque was tied up and still partially fajazzled in Wartilda's hut.
Lupo watched over his master - the dog seemed acutely aware of the changes the potion had wrought. He was also guarding a gift that Sir Dan had secretly left behind.
It was now just two hours 'til the Battle of Gallowmere and Dan and Canny Tim were headed back to the castle to prepare.
|Sir Dan shows up on the battlefield. The morale of Gallowmere's troops begins to improve.|
|Soldier #1||Fortesque showed up!|
|Soldier #2||'ee's not wearing that dumb armor no more!|
|Soldier #3||Amazing work with that Jabberwocky Captain Fortesque!|
|Horned helmet man||I think 'ee's actually going to lead us!|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] Dan went immediately to speak with the king.|
|King Peregrin||Ah, Fortesque. You're late! Have you seen Zarok? I expect you to be late but not him!|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] After revealing Zarok's duplicity to the king, and with the battle just minutes away, they called together the troops for one final pep talk.|
|Sir Daniel Fortesque||... So, take spirit my brave kinsmen. Fate is on our side. And always remember - we fight for our kingdom! We fight for our king. We fight to keep our brains!
... And there are fresh undergarments behind the catering tent!
|Various Soldiers||Huzzah! Hurrah! No more chaffing! Fortesque!|
|Bandaged Man||[Voice-over] And so, with Zarok's undead army bearing down on the castle, Sir Dan led the charge into the accursed multitude.
Alas - just as he knew he would - he took an arrow to the eye and was the first to fall.
But no matter, Sir Daniel's journey was complete. His bravery had so inspired his men that they fought tirelessly until every last zombie had been defeated and Zarok was forced to flee the land in ignominy.
|We return to the present day.|
|Professor Darrow||[Off-panel] Well that's an incredible story!
But how - how can I possibly believe it? ... How could you know all this?
|Bandaged Man||[Using a voice box] Because I was there.|
|Professor Darrow||[Screaming] ...You?!|
|He is Fortesque.|